Oh, Zekie.

I don't really know where to begin except to say that you are such a sweet boy. You are also a grumpy thing. But you are just such a SWEET boy. And I know people say that there is some special bond between a mother and a son and all that, but I really think it's more than that. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to love you. And I just really, really, really do. So much more than I ever expected to or that I could put into words even. Because I really thought i'd have no idea what to do with a boy. 

And loving you is not easy. And yet it kind of is, all at the same time. You whine and complain and cry and grump, as we like to say, and you are so very loud, more so than is common for your age. But that's part of the reason I love you, believe it or not. Because you get all those wonderful qualities from me 💜. What can I say, we've been blessed (though some would say cursed) with the ability to know what we want and when we want it, at least most of the time. The problem with that though is no one gets what they want all the time. But that's okay because I really do get you. Because I want to act that way too sometimes. So I love you, even though sometimes it is hard to.

By no means do I mean that you are unlovable. What I mean is that compared to Lorelei- and I know I shouldn't compare, but hear me out cause there is a point here- you are rough around the edges. You are not a people pleaser. You are a rule breaker. You do not care to simply make others happy if you are not happy. And you need fairly simple, yet SPECIFIC things, to make you happy. You are so content in your individuality that you can show your true colors to the world. You are your mothers son, child. 

Now do not get me wrong, Lorelei is equally amazing, if different. She is a people pleaser. A rule follower. A much more 'go with the flow' so as not to make waves kinda girl. But these types of people end up sacrificing things they want and need for the greater good and that is something I will always worry about in regards to her. Some think this is the "right" way to go about things. I just think it is a different way. And the difference here is, Zekie, it is not OUR way. 

But our way, for sure, is the harder road to travel. You will meet people your whole life who will attempt to persuade and bully you into conformity and obedience. Don't let them. Because no matter what the world tells you that you should be, you already are this amazingly unique personality. 

You are loud and messy for no good reason except that it's fun. You see things you want and you go get them without asking first because you know how to and think its worth the risk. (It's only toys and food now... but just wait...) You love to snuggle even though you will never admit it and always answer "no" the first time I ask after I see your "I want to snuggle" look. I love the way you try to, even at 2, put your tiny arm around me when you sit next to me foreshadowing the man you will one day become. I love that you have a hilariously unhealthy obsession with pop tarts. I love how you pretend to be Spider-Man and The Hulk and run around the house saving me from imaginary bad guys. And I love that you try your hardest every night to manipulate me into staying in your room longer, even though I learned my lesson with Lorelei and never have unless you were sick. But you never, ever give up and I admire that stubbornness and determination. I love that when you are grumping I can always eventually get you to tell me, and sometimes only me, why. I love how we dance in the kitchen to 311 when I make dinner almost every night.... I could go on and on forever...

But finally, I love that I can just see in your eyes the way you love ME. I don't know exactly what I've done to convince you I am worth it, but I will do everything I can to never, ever stop. 

Because while Lorelei has my pride and admiration because she is so many things I could never be, you son, have my understanding and heart. 💕💙💙💙💕

What if all along, I was actually working towards THIS? It's a weird feeling to have. It certainly is not like things just fell into place. I made them happen this way, to the extent that I had a hand in it. I guess its a matter of expectation versus realization. It always falls short. Plans never go according to plan, right? That is nothing new. It's just the discrepancy that is disconcerting. An idea that i put my effort and control into this thing and the return is not what I was expecting.

I am not naive enough to believe that hard work automatically leads to expected outcomes or that it will necessarily get you what you want at the end of the day. I do; however, realize it is my best shot. But perhaps my mistake is not the effort put in, but rather the cause to which it was applied. 

Do we ever really know what we want, or will want in the future for that matter? 

At 21, I was fairly sure where I was headed. I had some very real goals and a pretty clear plan on how to tackle all that. It was an awesome feeling that I remember quite clearly. At 30, though, things are a bit different. Lots of plans have fell by the wayside, as they so often do. And the ones that have worked out had their fair share of kinks. But even so, I have still become more of the me that i have probably always been, and was always supposed to be. But I have relinquished some of the characteristics that kept me so focused back then. Partially because my world view has changed quite substantially, but mainly because I realized the smoke screen through which I was viewing the world. I was making arbitrary lists, arbitrarily checking them off, and basking in my arbitrary accomplishments, without much to enjoy at the end of the day. I just kept myself so busy that I don't think I had time to notice. 

I wonder if I'm the only one who experienced this whole 'growing up' thing this way?

It's not as if I'm feeling that I've missed out or that I'm lost necessarily. More like I've made a wrong turn on the road I was traveling and instead of panicking and feeling lost, I feel like it's the road I should have been on all along, even though i don't know where the hell it's taking me. It's almost sure to lead somewhere far away from where I started, and that's the confusion. 

The whole idea of  "how did I get here? And, do I want to go back?" I'm pretty sure it's "I don't know." on both accounts.

Did I settle in my 20's, thinking I had what I wanted all figured out, before I even had me figured out? Or am I settling now by relinquishing control? I have no shortage of opinions on either side. And I'm grateful, and lucky, given all that I have accomplished and all that I have. I do realize that. But remember, I did work hard to get here, ya know. Was it for the right reasons? Was it arbitrary expectation or calculated manipulation that got me here? Hindsight, in this case, is far from 20/20.

 I never really stopped to think. And that's all i seem to do these days. And that's the problem. 

I pride myself on my honesty. I don't have the patience, the time or desire to walk around kissing peoples asses all day. A consequence of this type of personality though is that some people find my honesty disconcerting. They tag me as rude or disrespectful, particularly when they are the object of my honest reflections. They take my comments to a personal level; one beyond which they were meant to be interpreted. 

But what i think they are confused about is the fact that i dont go around mindlessly observing and commenting on things that i find nonsensical or offensive. Forget me for a second and think- why would anyone do this? Instead, i explain my honest nature as a tendency  in conversation and heated discussion to be less likely to bite my tongue than your average person. It goes to reason after all. Sure there is some motive here which compels me to get my point across, no matter how you may take it. I think i have a good point, after all. But that is not THE REASON. 

The question i get asked the most often is- Why do you feel the need to say it? Why cant you just think it and move along?  Believe it or not, it is because i think it is the RIGHT thing to do. I don't say things that i don't think you need to hear. And i do actually control what comes out of my mouth. 

So i guess my confusion here is why is it that i am tagged as difficult when i strive to tell the truth? 

Ive spent a lot of time in recent years exploring the philosophical concept of truth. What it is (different for everyone), if there is a constant (yes), when people want it (rarely) and when they don't (most of the time). It seems that people very seldom want an uncensored version of the truth- after all, who wants or seeks out criticism? Which is fundamentally what our truth is in others eyes. All of us have a hard time with it, even me. Seeking out feedback is like looking into a mirror which accentuates your bad features. Of course, your good ones are still there, but momentarily anyway,  you just cant see them. 

When we consult others, we seek out an idyllic version of the truth, not our reality as others see it. Not perspective. We don't seek truth so much as affirmation.  And when we don't get it, it is hard to digest, especially from someone we need it from. This has taken me a long time to learn. No one ever told me this. And even though i know this is the way it is, i still cant comprehend it. Because we, as a people,  continue to seek this elusive concept of TRUTH. Or rather, the truth we want to create. This has always confused me because i seldom censor my response when outright asked for it. 

Particularly because, when you have a strong self awareness- when you know what your own personal truth is- this type of feedback shouldn't crush you. It's when we look to others for our identity and worth that we are susceptible to this disappointment. 

All i ask is that you not misconstrue my motive. I don't wish to hurt you. I respect you enough to ACTUALLY tell you the truth. And for what its worth, that is the one of the truth's i strive to live by. Do unto others and whatnot. 

Lately, my daughter has become preoccupied with the idea of becoming a grown up. She wants to be one; and she wants it yesterday. But she is confused as to when she will actually become this thing she has built up in her head to be so great. So she asked when she would KNOW that she was officially grown up; and so, that got me thinking...

Surely I'm a grown up by now. Ive had my fair share of jobs, graduations, home and car purchases, home renos, weddings, births and funerals ; all arbitrary milestones which signify that i have spent my early adulthood at least somewhat productively.

And yet, I still don't FEEL grown up.

I thought that certainly by now i would feel like it. What "it" is- i dont know. But i would have thought I'd have that figured out by this point. Instead i am practically staring 30 in the face wondering what it is that legitimizes my crossing the threshold into ADULTHOOD...?

As a child, and teenager even, i thought that adulthood was synonymous with freedom. But I've come to find that this is quite the misnomer. Instead I've learned the transition from adolescence or early adulthood into REAL adulthood instead simply exchanges the condition of your restraints. You may not be obliged to listen to your parents any longer, but you likely have a significant other, a boss, a job, and bills to pay. Some adults even argue that these conditions are worse, and they'd take childhood back in a second if given the option.

But not me. You wont catch me arguing that point. And while i'll admit that my life has been more privileged than most, i have been on my own for about 9 years now and have certainly "earned my stripes" these last few years. As such, I suppose its likely that I have crossed this mythical threshold into the ADULTHOOD at some point whether I stopped to notice it or not.

I realize this now having inadvertently stumbled across an amazing blog on this very topic published under the guise of a modern day critique of the institution of marriage. From it i took this amazing perspective which explains that

"It might be said that a valid indicator of maturity could be the number of illusions about the world that one has given up. This is never easy to gauge since much of what we hold as 'reality' is nothing more than beliefs for which we have gotten some agreement from others...."

This was very much an "Ah ha" moment for me. And one i wanted to clarify for my daughters sake, because she is so much like me. Very determined and confident and hopeful, as optimistic as they come. And while disappointment served me well by way of perspective, i still want to spare her the struggle of figuring it all out on her own to the extent that she will allow me to.

So what illusions have i given up which serve to show that i have crossed that mythical threshold into adulthood?

Here they are, in no particular order...

1. School is for the most part a test.
Is is not exact training or preparation for the real world. Either you have what it takes to complete it or you do not. and while good grades are important in the context of furthering your education, they do not accurately describe your worth, intelligence or your ability. You have to go. You have to finish. And hopefully you learn that it is one big social experiment. A right of passage that you simply have to get through. Those who did well in school do not always do so well in life and vice versa. (thank you Facebook, for this confirmation...) And the more pressure you put on yourself during this precarious life stage the more likely you are to disappoint yourself.

2. You will never have ENOUGH money.
So don't spend your life chasing it. The more you make, the more you'll find to spend it on. And the more stress you will have. Sure there is stress inherent in a lower class lifestyle and everyones life would be easier if they had "just a little bit more money". But those with less money are forced to be more creative in their resources and ways they spend their time. And these conditions make for real people, interesting people, with grounded values, who respect an individual based on their REAL worth, not their bank account. These are the people i feel most comfortable around. Not the ones who make me feel inadequate for not achieving THEIR perception of "success". Work with what you have. And know that it is good enough.

3. Perfection is a myth.
Its just not possible to achieve. It is simply a myth perpetrated on the human race to inspire us to constantly better ourselves. A noble motive, surely, but a deception all the same. Accepting this is a prerequisite to self acceptance, and a requirement if you're to have any self confidence.

4. Time management is another one.
It is meant to inspire order, routine and purpose. But it is painfully subjective. As a child it moves too slow. As an adult it moves too fast. When you're bored or sick it never moves fast enough. When you're terminally ill it is a taunting reminder that our existence is so painfully short. The best we can do is relinquish our desire to conquer it. We wont. And we cant. And nothing save a time machine will change that. The best we can do is spend whatever amount we are lucky enough to have doing what we want and in good company. Find your purpose in life and dedicate your time to it. but don't stress when time runs out. It always does. if not today, some other time it will. You will never come out on top. Forgetting it and all that goes along with it- milestones, to do lists, plans and deadlines can be freeing, if you let it. it is YOUR time after all. Embrace it. Don't attempt to master it because you will surely fail.

5. The world is not out to get you, a place you have to fight to exist in , or concerned intimately with you in the slightest.
You are a small part of it. A special and unique part, no doubt, but small nonetheless. You are not going to get what you want out of it just because you think you deserve it. And the thing is, it is like this for everyone. EVERYONE. Life is not fair. But it still can be rewarding. And once you give up this idea that you are owed something from the world, you can begin to appreciate all that you are given.

6. You will not change anyone's opinion, try as you might.
This does not mean that debating and sharing your views is worthless. It simply means that every person has innate worth and dignity. Their views matter and are valid. You don't have to agree with them, but in a civilized society you do have to respect them. So don't make it your mission to convert or educate people who are not asking or entrusting you to do so. You will not succeed and likely damage your relationship in the process. Further, differing views can lead to amazing conversation which could actually teach you a thing or two. Do not fear conflicting opinions. But don't just accept them as your own either. Remember to step back, ask questions and have confidence in your own interpretations. And remember that everyones experience informs their opinions and you cant know where someone is coming from without knowing their whole story. The problem here is, though, you never will.

7. Your reputation is important.
There is certainly value in not censoring your self expression to appease others. But what others think and say about you does really matter. And it is directly related to your level of self confidence. You see, your true self is actually two fold. There is the "you" that you contribute to the world and there is the "you" that the world takes away from it. Neither is more important than the other, but these two sides of your identity are equally valid, if different. But the biggest difference is that your reputation is much farther reaching than your actual personal self. Consider, for instance, how inspired you can be by a strangers story, or how memories and values from a friend or family member who died long ago can still affect you today. Influence can be far reaching, in both good and bad ways. So taking care to respect your reputation as you would have others do for you is an important responsibility that you must learn. It takes time, mistakes, and negative feedback to understand what i mean. And with the prevalence of social media it will be harder for kids these days than it was for me. But this is one of the few things that you have some control over. Respect yourself and others will too. If you don't, then others wont. It is that simple.

8. You have control over very little in your life; yourself being one of the very few things you will have any control over, at least with any degree of certainty.
And even so, emotions are a powerful thing; hard to predict and even harder to manage. Despite this, your perspective is your own personal window through which you view the world. And only you have the tools by which to design this window. You choose to accept the views handed to you, or instinctively develop your own in response to them. You have to challenge that which doesn't makes sense and you have to seek the knowledge required to understand it and use it and to see what it is you want to see through this window. So never accept a theory, an excuse or a reason without an explanation as to the why. The why informs your perspective. And your perspective is your control. You have this control because you can ALWAYS change it. By learning more about something, like human behavior for instance, you can change the way you understand a situation. Use this idea of "knowledge is power" to your advantage and you might agree with me on this whole self control thing.

9. Trust is a tricky concept.
Particularly because no one is infallible and everyone will let you down at some point. I don't like the concept of trust. Blindly putting faith in something, or someone, is just something i can't come to terms with. Broken trust breeds insecurity. And broken trust is a given. In lieu of blind trust, i prefer instead, simply accepting this imperfection in the people that mean the most to me. Doing this has served as a catalyst to accepting them as the human beings that they are, as opposed to the people i wish they would be. As an adult you have a choice. A choice to seek the truth or live with the lies that you allow yourself to believe. I have chosen the former. It is undoubtedly the harder road. But i need this to understand who I am. And to understand what my reality truly is. But because i cant come to terms with the whole trust issue does not mean i have given up on people. I RESPECT people and demand RESPECT from people. Not trust. There is a difference. But as it turns out, the benefits to this road are plentiful. So I'm sticking to it.

Now while I'm sure i will find this list lacking at some point, i think that its a pretty good indicator that i have relinquished some of my childhood naïveté and crossed this imaginary threshold into adulthood. I'm curious to hear Lorelei's perspective one day. Her precocious nature suggests that we'll have this conversation sooner than later.

I can't wait <3

My dad, that guy. Everyone loves him. I'm not even sure they know why. He just has this energy about him. He walks in the room and it stops and pays attention. People say I have it. But not like he does. I say that, not them. Because when he walks in the room, I am in awe of him too.

I'm not really sure what it is. But I love him completely. And part of it must be that he loves me this way too, and I know this. Don't get me wrong though, it's no bed of roses over here or anything. We've had our rough spots, and he is by no means a perfect man, or father, for that matter. But he gets me in a way no one else does. And I would like to think that I do the same for him. 

He is just so overwhelmingly positive in most every aspect of his life. And this is where he gets me most. We are both optimists, in the truest sense of the word. And when he hears my good news, or my ideas, he sees the good in them and the potential in me. Everyone needs this in their life. And I was lucky enough to find it, and at home no less. He has always been my rock. My confidence. 

And everyone asks me where I get this from. I know it's from him, but I don't know EXACTLY how. It's not as if I wander around unhappy or misguided without his input. It's not as if as a child I longed for his opinion or approval or his presence. But I always had it and that's just it. He was always there. 

ALWAYS.

He came to eat lunch with me in elementary school once and I remember how proud I was that he was there- to this day, I remember. All the kids thought he was the coolest. And I'll be honest, he was. This image of him has permeated every stage of my life, even to this day. My friends still think he's the coolest. He taught me to fish, to play baseball. He taught me to throw a punch, and a good one at that. He taught me to stand up for not WHAT i deserved, but rather WHAT I THOUGHT i deserved. He taught me that being confrontational was not inappropriate, but  necessary. He was at every swim practice, at every swim meet. There are two races I believe I will remember for the rest of my life. My best performances EVER in the 400 IM and the 100 BACK; and when I hit the wall, well aware that I had placed first and quite certain that I had swam my best time ever (which I had) I looked to the stands, and everyone else faded away. It was just me and my dad. And he was as excited as I was, perhaps even more so. And this is the constant in our relationship. He seems so overwhelmingly proud, no matter what I do. 

And yet, he has no problem criticizing me when he feels it necessary. We quite possibly agree on no aspects of politics. I'm not sure where he stands on religion, except for the fact that it's far from where I do. (He once told me I was going to hell... I rolled my eyes thinking I'd save him a seat...) He called me awful names when I was in high school, claiming to be truly in love with the guy I grew up to marry. He once even choke slammed me on the kitchen counter (it was a big one...) for calling him a liar... When he was "fibbing" (as he calls it....) But I was a formidable opponent, even at 17, and I admit that. And the difference here is that while most parent- child relationships would fracture under these stressors, somehow ours was solidified by the fact that these stories are now hilarious anecdotes that I fully intend to repeat one day at his funeral (hopefully in the far, far future). 

Also, I believe that I learned potentially the most important life lesson of all from him. And that is how important it is to be selfish. And while others may not agree, I fully believe this is why my dad and I are happy people. We are selfish people. This in no way means that we are not there for others, in fact I would argue that more so than many in our family (not you, mom) we are the ones who are relied upon and trusted to help out. We keep our word and we wholeheartedly care. But we take care of us first, and we make us a priority. For this lesson by example I will be forever grateful. And I truly hope my kids pick up on this as well. Because its been my experience that, when you take care of you, the rest always seems to work itself out.

 Finally, this in no way discredits the amazing job my mother did at raising me. Now while sometimes I think that woman is plain crazy (love you mom!) I owe her just as much if not more than my dad. She did pick him after all, and I will never understand the way their relationship initially developed. But while she is the voice in my head, my motivation and drive, he is at the root of my personality and my confidence, and clearly, without that, I wouldn't be me.

I had this idea in my head that once i had finished college, the stars would align and job offers would be coming at me from all angles. My life thus far has consisted of nothing but choices upon choices and my responsibility was to pick the best ones. I have done well with this. I can pick a good choice out of a bad choice line up any day, but when the responsibility of seeking out the choices falls to me, i am coming up dry. Do i stay on the beaten path? Stay in the field that i know, the field that i have grown bored with? Do i try a new position, a new workplace, or do i branch out? I have no real experience in anything else. But i have a desire to do more, to help others, to be heard. Can i do this where i am? I am not sure. But i cant help but think that i am capable of more.
So the offers arent rolling in. But i tell myself thats okay. My home life is practically ideal. I do not sit at home and find myself wanting. In fact, at times, i find myself wishing for nothing more than a little more alone time. As selfish as that sounds, its real. My family is so amazingly present and involved that i yearn for privacy.

Privacy.

And yet there are lonely people everywhere. Lonely and unhappy people who wish for a partner, a child, a family. I have all of these and more. Is it unreasonable to want more? I am beginning to think so. Why must i define myself in what i do for others who dont truly matter to me? I dont really know. But i feel that there is an opportunity out there waiting for me to find it. If you see it looking for me. Let me know...

My one and only regret is the fact that i have never lived alone.

This is not meant to be some dig at Brian or a longing for a lost opportunity- its likely i never could have afforded it in the first place- not to my "standards" anyway. It's just that I sometimes feel as though i missed out on something formative. I don't understand what it takes to live on my own. Cook, clean, pay bills, etc, on my own. And it's not that I want to necessarily, so much as to have a better perspective of the situation i am in now.

Brian does a tremendous amount of work around the house. If you ever hear me complaining about him it is likely that he is forcing me to clean or work more than I think is necessary and adding to our ongoing argument of messy versus dirty. I'm messy, and I don't deny it. Usually I'm just not "done" with whatever the thing is that i have left laying around. And we have this whole debate about time management which basically means he wants me to spend a lot of time cleaning and that's just not gonna happen. Dirty is another story completely, though I'm not sure you'd get that if you heard Brian telling his side.

Interestingly, over the last few years Brian has began going on work trips which take him away for about 4 days. During these four days I get to do whatever I want. I make a mess. I don't clean it up. I make unhealthy dinners and me and the kids eat on the couch. And when we drop crumbs, we sweep them under the couch. Don't worry, though, Lorelei promptly reminds me that this is NOT OK and that dad would NOT approve and he WILL find out. But still, this is my time, so I do not do the dishes, or otherwise clean the house during this time. That is, until I know Brian is on the road home, and I remember that I really do not want to get divorced. Haha.

(Okay, so a side note- maybe I'm a little dirty- but I would argue that this is situational; maybe even a sad excuse for rebellion against the eat at the table, sweep up after we're done and do dishes right away rules that I'm used to...)

These trips make me miss Brian for more than the obvious reasons. He undoubtedly keeps me in check. He keeps the house clean, and makes sure all the things that "should" be done get done. And while I admit it is nice, its also stressful to have someone constantly telling you the right way to live in your own house. We have, out of necessity, learned to compromise quite nicely. I bite my tongue (cause I know he's right) and do what he says more than I want to. But because of him i have an amazing home. One in which I am never embarrassed by when someone stops by unexpectedly.

But I think that I would appreciate it even more if i had the experience of taking care of it on my own to compare it to. I would have not have had so much expected of me. And I wouldn't have let anyone down. Except for myself of course. I would have immediately understood the value of Brian's quirkiness and the profound way in which he complimented my personality. Because while Brian keeps the house neat, I keep the bathroom clean, the house organized, the bills paid and the kids under control (most of the time anyway...).

With all this being said; however, I'm not sure i would have really liked it. I hate yard work, doing dishes and especially taking out the trash- all things i am able to pawn off on him most of the time. And I could have decorated the place however i wanted (ya know with all that make believe money i would have had...). In theory this little place i would have had sounds great.

But in reality, I expect that it would have had a million cups everywhere because Brian swears i have a non-alcoholic drinking problem, I would have had the most embarrassing yard (because if you know my confrontational nature you know apartment/ condo living is not for me), and dishwasher or no i likely would have ended up with a bug problem.

So I am beyond grateful that I have Brian around. He's an amazing guy. He loves me for reasons i can't even understand and he puts up with me. What more could I possibly ask for? An annual weekend away from the formality of home living? Ahh... I got that too. :)

But you can bet your ass I'll be cleaning for a couple hours on Sunday before he gets home. Because if he actually ever saw what my house would have looked like had i ever lived alone... He might not have married me in the first place.

My husband and i go back and forth on this question.

I generally think that his answer is yes and I'm just not sure where I'm at. He is happy with the two we have, our girl and our boy, and perhaps even a little overwhelmed at times. And Brian, the youngest of three, had always wanted to be an only child. So purposely handing a child the same hand of cards he was dealt is something he has trouble with. We both worry about the financial obligation of another one. And yet, even so, he still brings up the possibility of a third now and then.

So, for now, we find ourselves stuck in this grey area.

I have my own issues.

I don't particularly feel comfortable asserting that i am DONE having kids. And don't get me wrong. I HATED being pregnant, and I'm not ashamed to say it. And the second time was worst than the first, so this doesn't bode well for a third if you catch my drift. Furthermore, i don't particularly like taking care of an infant. Its exhausting, hard and usually thankless work. It requires an extraordinary amount of patience that I'm not sure that i am naturally equipped with. (Im convinced hormones took over...?) And Im not the attachment parent type- i did not find my true calling or identity in motherhood. Sometimes it actually feels like a burden because i am not an overtly affectionate person and i am particularly selfish with my free time. That i am a good mom surprises even me sometimes. And perhaps the worst part is i feel guilty that sometimes i don't want to do the things i know i have to in order to be the type of mom i want to be.

And even given all this, the idea that it might not ever happen again kind of hurts my heart. I love my babies more than anything, no matter how hard its been. They have taught me more about life, and more about myself, than anyone i have ever known. And they are just the coolest people i have ever met; and i couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine my life without them in it.

Of course, there is also something about being done with this stage of my life that feels wrong. Im not sure if it is sentimental or an irrational fear of getting older. I like the grey. The possibility. The idea that if it happened- even if by accident- all would be okay. The idea that my life is not yet complete; that i haven't quite got where I'm going yet. But this cant last but for so long. I'm not there yet, by any means, but I'm also not that far off from the age where twins become way more likely. Not to mention the risks that come with having children when you're "older". What if we went ahead and had a third child and something went "wrong"? Im not sure i'd forgive myself for being so selfish.

And then there is this irrational idea that i have where Brian and i both came from families with 3 children. So it's funny to think of 3 as being a lot, though in our society, today, it is. I just have this nagging feeling that 3 is how its supposed to be. This comes from the idea that I have that my family without Morgan, or Brian's family without him, would surely not be the same and would be missing something significant. So i have this feeling sometimes that we are missing this link. This thing that could make our family what it was always meant to be. Does this sound crazy? I cant help but wonder who that kid would be, and how he or she would change all of us.

But then i think- is this some sort of obligatory concession meant to pacify my family- who, on both sides, are unlikely to have any other grandchildren or nieces or nephews any time soon? Brian and i hypothesize that a niece or nephew would likely fill the sometimes void we feel. Still, perhaps i am using this excuse as a mask for my own indecisiveness (not something i am known for in the slightest bit...) as to how many children i really want....

It's a complicated decision, and the only real thing i have to compare it to is going to college. I went to college out of obligation to what i thought i was supposed to be doing at that time in my life. I stayed because it changed my life for the better and changed me as a person, into the adult i was supposed to be, even if it hasn't granted me some amazing career to brag about. But having a child isn't something you can change your mind about half way through... So the analogy kind of looses steam here... And I'm back to questioning my motives.

Still, its not all negative contemplation....

I had a pretty profound conversation with a good friend when i was pregnant with my second child that i go back to often. I had this crazy fear that i just wouldn't be able to love Zeke, my second child, as much as i did my daughter- i just couldn't even imagine it. I understand in hindsight how crazy this was. But it was just so real at the time. She came from a large family- 6 kids- and she told me something that she had overheard her mom telling someone once. When she had her second she thought "What have i done?!" She was overwhelmed and a little worried. But she figured it out. And more kids came. And she was worried, again. And you know what? After that second one, it was all kind of the same; better even. It just wasn't that different for the third, or the fourth, or the fifth or sixth for that matter. They were her kids. This was reassuring, and though two has been hard, we've juggled them fairly well. So this gives me hope. And this same friend has reminded me more than once not to plan my family around the trying times of infancy, but rather, in thinking of how I'd like my table to look and feel at Thanksgiving. She makes a very good point.

When i think of these points in addition to a conversation i had with another friend just yesterday, its even harder to think that i might not have another child. She's a struggling single mom of two awesome kids, the oldest of which is now in middle school and dealing with some of the hardest growing pains we all experience- bullying, self doubt, being raised by a single parent, etc. In a moment of frustration recently, he told her that he imagined that her life would have been so much easier if he were never born- she'd have finished college long ago, had a better job by now, and certainly, she'd have more money. She told him that couldn't have been farther from the truth. She told him she would give up everything she had, all the money she had ever earned, every thing she had ever owned... to only have HIM. She reminded him that there were times when he was all she had. And she told him that she does not mourn the life she could have had, but is grateful of the one she has had with him- because she worries about where SHE would be without HIM. And she ended it with this-

"Life's not about money, dude. It's about you."

And at this i felt my ovaries twitch.

So do i want another one? I don't really know. Maybe. Probably. Yes? Who knows? I cant be sure. I think i'll just let it happen if its going to happen. I wont push it this time.

And for now?

I'll just embrace the grey.

I am a fairly skeptical person.

Unless you are my father, who I'm convinced has magical powers or something, it is unlikely that you will be able to get one over on me.

I don't buy most theories the first time i hear them. My gut simply tells me to step back, do more research, and then evaluate. I cant possibly have the information i need at first glance. This is, and has always been as far back as i can remember, my default operation.

I tell you this because i have yet to find organized religion appealing. And while this is rather normal as a teenager or young adult, it seems that most of my peers have grouped themselves with one organization or another, if informally, as we have reached our later twenties and began to have our own families. It seems as if I'm the odd one, not that this bothers me, but it is, well, odd.

And let me clarify, that I understand that this is natural behavior. I have mentioned before the tendency that humans have toward group formation and loyalty and how to some extent this is good for society, and survival, if you want to take it that far. I studied this exact thing quite extensively in college and spent a lot of time studying the "big 5" religions- Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism. I have also spent time with the likes of Daoism/Taoism, Jainism as well as the Baha'i religion. So i am not simply ignorant to the meaning or proliferation of these paradigms.

But the ideas of natural sin and expected suffering simply baffle my mind. Is it any wonder the world is so full of hate, jealousy, envy and evil? We are taught to worship the inability to even strive for perfection. Not that perfection is possible, thats not the point, but the idea that pride is distasteful, is somehow bad for us... its as if we are expected to enjoy the struggle, and relinquish our self respect in the process. We are broken. We are not enough. And we never will be. So much so that we must put our faith in the unknown. And not just the unknown, but the unknowable. And somehow this line of thinking is supposed to teach us to respect others, when we cant even justifiably appreciate our own self.

Human reason and instinct have functioned to keep us alive for centuries. It's quite audacious to suggest otherwise. Even without this exterior moral compass, or guidance, i am able to understand the fact that i need other people and as such am a respectful and empathetic individual. Yet i cannot reconcile the idea that though organized religion has countless benefits (among them, community, charity, etc...) with this influence and power, also inevitably comes corruption. Am i the only one who finds this precarious? Its just that i find organized religion perfunctory, hypocritical, condescending even. It professes acceptance and yet prescribes the same plan for everyone. The suggestion being that i need to be saved by the divine in order to be relieved of the precipice of the reality of life.

Life is dangerous, messy, unpredictable and nonsensical much of the time. Plans go wrong; accidents happen. The beauty in life though is the life we lead in the face of all of these things. Not in trying to streamline the unknowable, trying to control the uncontrollable. I find that the ugliness in the world makes it so much easier for me to appreciate the beauty in it. The negatives in life make it real. It gives you perspective. It gives you challenges. It makes you, YOU. Your religion may give you comfort and purpose, and i don't judge you as inept for living this way. What i am saying is that i have these things without it. And one thing that we have in common is that at the end of the day, the responsibility lies within you to make your life worth living. And if you have walked through life believing that you are somehow fundamentally flawed, in your darkest moments, where does this leave you?

Now, its not as if i don't have any faith. I do. I have faith that things will work out. Not that anyone is directing them in my favor- or cares what i want for that matter, just that it will work out, and even i cant explain how. Its kind of like that quote "I don't want to spoil the ending for you, but everything is going to be okay." I feel that way in just about all situations. I have this unwavering faith in my ability to get through things. Perhaps its my desire or commitment to questioning, to understanding, to using my resources which gives me this faith, or confidence, if you'd rather. I cant be sure, but i am sure that it is not faith in the unknown, but rather a faith in the KNOWN, a faith in myself and my resources.

And as hard as this may be for you to understand, I do not need, or desire these answers. I do not need this resource to tell me everything will be okay. I am comfortable in the not knowing. I am comfortable simply being me.

As a child, i was told on constantly. My credibility was constantly usurped by someone older and presumably wiser. Someone who was looking out for my best interests and who benefited from my screw ups, if only inadvertently so. I have no proof that he used them as a deflection from his own, but i always suspected as much. And truly, i would judge him more harshly if he didn't.

My brother, who is 9 years older than i, served the role as a third parent in my home. Though willing at times, i do not believe that he wanted or relished this position. I'm sure had its benefits. But it had one very clear negative. Our relationship has suffered as a result. I resented him and his influence and the power that he had by extension. And i question how far reaching this has been in my life, as i have since grown a serious distaste and distrust of authority in general.

But its not as if i blame him entirely for this. It's more simply the hand we were dealt and this was the way it played out. So now i write. But why do i write? I like the idea that if you are reading this right now that i have your attention. And you must be the slightest bit interested in what i have to say, or you wouldn't be reading, right? I write because i want to be heard, and more importantly, heard on my own terms. This is something i feel as if i was always missing- a pure outlet. And perhaps most important, i think i have something relevant to say.

Now, don't get me wrong, its not as if my family conspired to screw me up. We're all screwed up one way or another; it happens, thats the nature of family. My parents did what they had to do. Built in babysitting (which uncomfortably extended into my later teens...) made sense. And who wouldn't accept the authority out of obligation, desire to please their parents and the gratitude for the additional trust and responsibility. I get what happened and I'm not mad about it, in retrospect.

But i missed out on something- developing MY voice, unencumbered.

So that's why i write.